PORN REVIEWS

As I was rushing to catch my bus the other day, I looked down and saw a page from a newspaper all by its lonesome just laying on the sidewalk. I would have stepped right over it and gone on my way without a second thought, but something caught my attention. The big, bold title at the top of the page declaring -- "PORN REVIEWS" -- to be exact.

Porn Reviews? Do those things deserve being reviewed? Apparently, some people think they do.

Terrified at the potential of what could be said in such reviews, yet intrigued by the preposterous nature of it, I snatched up the paper, folded it, and put it in my cargo pocket for safe keeping. To be honest, I immediately thought this would give me something funny to blog about. Do you see, faithful readers, of how I am always looking out for you? I bet you, too, were unaware of such things as PORN REVIEWS. We shall live in darkness no longer!

There were three reviews : Supergirl XXX, The Sweetest Kiss, and Office Encounters.

I honestly had no idea what such a review would say. I imagined something along the lines of " . . . uh . . . yeah . . . sex . . . so hot . . ." I was wrong. While the reviews were not intelligent by any means, they were at least constructed with complete sentences. That is so much more credit than I would have given those perverts.

The biggest thing that struck me odd was that the reviewer complained about the lack of plotting and dialogue in The Sweetest Kiss and Office Encounters. As we all know, pornographic films are known for high quality dialogue and plotting. I can understand his disappointment. What?! It's a porno! What did the pervert expect? These movies are the lowest form of film and are aimed at doing one, single, disgusting, degrading, sickening thing. I'm sorry, porno review man, if you expected Office Encounters to have a woven web of plot arcs. I am equally sorry if you had been misled into purchasing The Sweetest Kiss because you thought it would be filled with witty, thought-provoking dialogue. I could see how you could have been misled by the classy titles and beautiful cover art on the DVD cases. You've been victimized! Do something about this! You go write an angry letter to Wicked Productions and Digital Sin Productions and let them know how short they have fallen of your high standards of erotic film!

Extreme Comixx, on the other and, which produced Supergirl XXX (directed by Sinister X and starring Sunny Lane and Buck Fuddy) is a much more credible film production company, that is if you can "see past the absurdity of a super suit with a super convenient fly." After all, it was "shot entirely in HD with intense close ups" and "could almost be mistaken for an instructional video" because of the "impressive displays of skills all around." The reviewer was very impressed with this "Collector's Edition 2 Disc Set [which] boasts over 8 hours of porn parody."

I will store these tidbits of information away for later use . . . when I want to feel violated or have a sudden desire to vomit.