31 October 2011

(#4) The "Church Smoochies" I Should've . . .

I was sitting in church. I was trying to pay attention so I could have a spiritually enlightening experience. The key word is "trying". I was having a hard time focusing because of some young couple that couldn't stop pathetically pecking each other on the lips. They had their arms around each other, her arm across his chest and his arm around her back, and they kept randomly turning their heads and gently kissing each other and then turning away . . . again and again and again.

I'm all for love. Love is awesome. I'm glad they're in love, or at least some degree of infatuation, but they don't need to be so mushy IN CHURCH. It also didn't help that their kissing was very awkward and almost mechanical--but in a jerky, unsure way.

I should've . . . leaned forward, bit the guy's arm that was laying across the back of the pew, and told him, when he turned around, that he was being awkward and should stop--stop it that instant!

29 October 2011

(#3) The "Sex Noises" I Should've . . .

Today, I heard the first sex noises in my new apartment. I was in the kitchen and making myself a tuna sandwich--two of them to be precise--when I heard soft, feminine sex noises just barely penetrating a bedroom door.

I should've . . . knocked on the door and then, when my roommate opened the door, asked some kind of stupid question, like if he was interested in pitching some money for an apartment vacuum or if he had seen any socks lying around because I'd lost a sock and I wanted my sock so I didn't just have one lone sock because that's really annoying.

27 October 2011

(#2) The "Freddy Beggar" I Should've . . .

Today, I was coming out of a T station. A man with a face which had been burnt very badly was holding a styrofoam cup and asking for change. I smiled at him, nodded, and continued on my way without giving him any money.

I SHOULD'VE . . . , in the spirit of Halloween, offered the panhandler $4.27 (in change) to dress up like Freddy Kruger and take part in a Halloween photo shoot. It would have been perfect.

25 October 2011

I Should've . . .

After about two weeks of not even having the desire to write in my blog, I have come to a conclusion . . . I have to find something I want to write about otherwise my blog is going to go gently into that goodnight.

I loved writing about my worthless jobs, but since I am currently unemployed and don't have any plans of becoming employed anytime soon, I have to come up with a new category of blog entries to keep me--and hopefull you--interested.

I have actually been toying around with the idea of starting a new blog to fit this purpose, but why abandon My Worthless Degree? It's a sweet freaking name that can work with what I want to do for this new blog idea, anyway.

I hope you're interested, because I'm very excited about this new category of blog entries. They will be called the "I SHOULD'VE" entires.

From now until an undisclosed point in time, I will post things which I wish I had done. Let me explain.

I sometimes wish my life was a sitcom. If you look at the things characters in sitcoms do, they get away with so much with no lasting consequences! I have often found myself looking back at certain times where I could have done something completey socially unacceptable yet hilarious, but didn't because of the social constructs which I allow to shackle my free spirit.

So, from now on, I'm going to write about the situations where I found myself "I should have . . ."

Are you ready? Here's the first one.

The other day, I was walking across Boston Common, chewing some gum. Someone was sitting on a bench. They began to yawn. Their mouth gaped wide open.

I SHOULD'VE spit my gum into their open mouth and kept on walking.

Stay tuned for more.

09 October 2011

Gutso

It's that time again, boys and girls! Halloween is nearly upon us!

In preparation for this most joyous of holidays, I have begun to make decorations. I will now carry you through the process of dressing up Gutso, the bear, for Halloween.









First, find a teddy bear for super cheap at a thrift store. This one cost $3.26. What a bargain!














Then, rip the thing open in several places.























Add fake blood.





 





 

Add more fake blood (I recommend that you stock up on blood. I ran out and wished I had more. I plan to purchase additional blood and gore him up even more) and use a lighter to burn the bear and make it look even more disgusting.

Isn't he cute?

08 October 2011

My Sushi Training Secrets

After having my sushi disaster a few weeks ago (see Sushi = Difficult), I was prepared for a long struggle to become a sushi master. The websites that claimed they could teach me how to make sushi all seemed to be omitting important details, and I was unable to find answers to my questions anywhere. And then one of my roommates told me about how my landlord teaches a sushi rolling class.


I thought maybe I could get into the class for free. I mean, I am his best tenant, right? Is there a better way for him to show his appreciation?


There must be, because I ended up paying full price for the class ($85), but I suppose it was worth it. The price was offset by the gut-busting amount of sushi I ate during the class and the massive sushi plate I took home afterwards (see picture to the right).


So, today, I will reveal the vital secrets I learned during my sushi class :


1) The Internet will tell you that you need to mix rice vinegar, sugar, and salt to make a seasoning for your rice. I bought a $7 bottle of rice vinegar and found that it smelt like the raunchiest feet that have ever stunk up this world and that no amount of sugar can neutralize the stench. SECRET : There is such a thing called Sushi Vinegar. It is premixed and does not smell of feet. Use that instead of your own attempted mixture.

2) One of the biggest problems I had last time was figuring out how to cook the rice. The Internet kept giving me different directions, none of which worked very well. SECRET : The best way to cook rice for sushi is in a rice cooker. If you can get one, do it (my landlord and lady are going to loan me one). Use a little less water per amount of rice. Example : 1 cup rice to 7/8ths cups water.

3) When making making your sushi roll, the rice will stick to your hands. SECRET : The rice will not stick to your hands if you keep them wet. You don't want them super wet because then the water will get into the rice and it will not stick together, but find a happy medium and you're golden.



4) The amount of rice you need to put on your seaweed is very important. Does the Internet tell you much about it? It sure doesn't.                      SECRETS :                                                         A) Use a good amount of rice so that the seaweed is covered but so that it is not too weighed down. You have to discover a happy medium.  B) Don't pack the rice too tightly onto your seaweed. When you roll the sushi, there must be room for the rice to smoosh and stick together. C) If you want the seaweed on the outside of your roll, leave about a half inch along one edge of it rice free (see picture to left). If you want a roll with the rice on the outside, cover the entire piece of seaweed. D) Make sure you spread the rice evenly all the way to the edges you want covered or else the end pieces of your roll will be flimsy and fall apart because there is nothing holding it together.


5) Cutting sushi is very difficult. My knife kept smashing the sushi and tearing it apart. SECRET : Water is necessary. Dip your knife in water and use quick, short sawing motions. It will keep your sushi from falling apart.


Of course, I am no sushi expert (yet), so there are many other tips and secrets which have not been included in this blog entry, but these are some very crucial tidbits of information. I would recommend taking a class so you can see how it is done in person, or at least watch a video instead of relying on written instructions which appear to be all-encompassing at first but leave you confused when you finally get to making your sushi.








Good luck!

05 October 2011

Pigeon Man and DJ Nitetrain

Oh, Boston, how I love thee and your masses of peculiar people.

Today, I was riding the T (Boston's subway) and noticed a strange man standing across the car from me. I will list what I noticed and thought about him in chronological order :

1) That guy is dancing (bending his knees so he bounced up and down and moving his arms and hands like he was a DJ -- scratching vinyl and adjusting knobs).
2) That guy is really tall and heavyset.
3) That guy doesn't look like the type to be dancing in public.
4) Oh, he's listening to music on big headphones.
5) He has a lot of rainbows on his clothes (a rainbow belt and belt buckle, a rainbow case covering his mini-disk player, and his headphones were colored like rainbows with Sharpie markers).
6) He has a large teddy bear with two smaller teddy bears tied to it. Why?
7) The case of the man's mini-disc player says DJ Nitetrain.
8) It's daytime.
9) Does he ride around and do this at night?
10) Does he do this to try and get money?
11) Is he practicing for his nightly train air DJ jam sessions?
10) Oh, crap, he just smiled at me. Look away!

After getting off the T and walking across Boston Common, I saw a man. But this was no ordinary man. He had dozens of pigeons hopping around his feet and several of them on his head and shoulders.

I tried to see if he had lured the pigeons with some kind of food, but I didn't see anything. I just think he has a special connection with those winged rats. I like to imagine that they all latch onto him and carry him from place to place.

I wanted to talk to him but he was already having a conversation with some woman. I felt like interrupting strangers is weird enough without asking why one of them is crawling with pigeons. I kept walking.

03 October 2011

Pierre Panda, the Cyborg Pirate King of Time Capsules

It is official. My group has decided to go with the children's time capsule book (see The Trouble with Time Capsules).

I am somewhat disappointed that we did not use my most amazing of ideas, but I am happy that we are well on our way with the project. I have been lucky enough to be paired with three very motivated and intelligent women, and I actually feel bad because I feel that they have done most of the work thus far.

As for the content of the book, readers will be carried through a cute narrative about a grandfather, named Gramps, telling his grandchildren, Zoey and her adopted Asian brother, Lucas, about time capsules. The children will not be very enthusiastic about time capsules at first but will gain excitement as they learn about the importance, history, and fun that surrounds such important historical preservation methods.

Did you just gag? I did.

It sounds very cheesey, but I think it will also be fun. We will, after all, have cartoons and semi-bratty kids. Oh, the possibilities!

I feel sorry for the other groups in my class. There are two other groups. One's book is an academic books about gospel music. It is intended for scholars and will be written by a professor. Boring. The other group's book is going to be a how-to guide about various legal circumstances that college students may find themselves in. The book will provide all kinds of legal information and will be semi-playful. Better, but it's no children's time capsule book.

In our most recent group meeting, we debated over having the characters be animals instead of humans. Someone suggested that we have a panda and set our imagination abalze.

The room we were meeting in had a dry erase board and someone attempted to draw a panda head but ended up with something that resembled Mickey Mouse. I tried to fix it buy giving the head a body with lettuce-like arms and legs. I also embellished by adding an eyepatch over one eye and a red, glowing cyborg eye for the other. I also named him Pierre Panda, the Cyborg Pirate King of Time Capsules.

Sadly, we won't be using Pierre in our book. He will, however, remain our unofficial group mascot. Now all we need is a fight song . . . written in French.