I have spent the last two days in orientation, and what a grueling experience that has been. I feel like I shouldn't complain because I was being paid $11/hour to sit around and be bored--I mean--to learn! To learn! I was being paid a lot to absorb all kinds of pertinent information that will be imperative to my summer ice-cream factory employment . . . yeah. Let's go with that.
Anyway, I have decided to just give you the orientation highlights. I hope you're ready.
Size and Location : I was told this was a large orientation group. It was so large, in fact, that we couldn't meet in the corporate center where they normally hold orientations. There were about 70 of us and we had to meet in the town's convention center, which was very convenient for me since I currently live right next door to it. Over lunches, I was able to walk for less than two minutes and be relaxing at home. It was pretty awesome.
Speakers : We had several corporate employees speak to us about the things you'd expect at an orientation: harassment, dress conduct, scheduling, safety (there was actually four hours of safety training and I wanted to kill myself. I never realized ice-cream was so dangerous. It kind of makes me feel like an action hero--Indiana Jones, to be exact. I just need to buy a whip), but one lady who spoke about the boring ins and outs of daily life was very intense. When she was speaking about our ID badges, she paced back and forth with her hands clasped behind her back and spoke with the intensity and mannerisms of a military sargeant. Here is my favorite quote, "If you lose your name badge one time, we will replace it for free. If you lose it after that, it's $25 a pop. Ah! Now I have everyone's attention!" I'm telling you. This woman was borderline psychotic.
Urinal Flushing : The convention center where the orientation took place wasn't in the best shape. It wasn't falling apart by any means, but the place could have used a pretty hefty face lift. The first time I went to the bathroom, I walked in and stopped mid-stride because it looked like I'd gone into the women's restroom. Everything was in stalls, even the urinals. Yeah. Weird. But that wasn't the strangest part about the urinals. After I had relieved my bladder, I flushed as usual, but I wasn't sent off with the usual gargling water noise most urinals make. It sounded more like a choking velociraptor. What would such a vicious dinosaur choke on? A femur? Someone's oversized skull? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that the noise was made and it was pretty awesome.
Training Videos : There's nothing like training videos. And there's nothing like training videos that start off with the host saying "Oh, hi there!" as if they have been caught completely off guard. But there's really nothing like having to sit through several videos with such beginnings in a single day. Those especially annoying segments aside, there was one other video which I must mention. It was about safety and it was very melodramatic. The video was tied together by a poem which stated "I could have saved a life that day, but I chose to look the other way." The climax depicted one employee ignoring another employee's unsafe work habits. The unsafe employee ended up getting a face full of steam and falling off a ladder. The co-worker who "looked the other way" ran towards his fallen co-worker while screaming his name. The final scream, however, was what really got me. It was in that ridiculous slow-mo, monster voice that should never be used if you are trying to be taken seriously. I laughed out loud at this point even though the screen was fixed on a close-up of the dead employee's bloodied, dead face.
Phantom Limb : A large portion of the first day's orientation was devoted to convincing the new employees that our new employer was in the business of spreading happiness through producing the safest, most delicious ice-cream they can produce. There were various slides which showed happy people enjoying ice-cream--one of which being a young boy . . . WITH ONLY ONE ARM! I'm not saying that people without all of their limbs can't enjoy delicious ice-cream. No! I would never say or imply such a cruel thing! But I must not forget to mention was how the one-armed boy was screaming. I realize his scream was meant to convey his excitement for the ice-cream cone treat he held in his one and only hand, but I thought it looked more like he was experiencing a sharp bout of phantom limb and he just couldn't endure the pain silently. That poor child.
Mind Control : At the end of the second day of orientation, we had a food quality specialist speak to us . . . and speak to us . . . and speak to us . . . I realize that he didn't take any longer than the four hour safety training we had that same morning, but it was getting close to the end of the overall orientation and I was just tired of listening. At one point, the quality specialist kept showing us various pieces of paperwork and pointing out facts none of us were going to remember until we actually had to deal with said paperwork. I couldn't help but glare at the man and viciously think "MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON!" and then he did! By golly, it worked! I'm going to have to try that again sometime in the near future.
Public Announcements : Since we met in a building that is meant to be utilized for various community purposes, there was a bulletin board in the hallway just outside of the room where we met for orientation. One such announcement on this bulletin board sported a bold heading that declared "COMMERCIAL MANURE CERTIFICATION". The announcement said a whole slew of things under the title, but I didn't really understand anything it said. I just really appreciated the title.
At the end of the second day of orientation, we were shown the various ice-cream plants where we would be working. While there, we were shown the break room. The magical break room where we will be allowed to eat all the free ice-cream that we can manage to stuff ourselves with. I was so close to the free ice-cream that it hurt. I wanted to just sit down and eat and eat and eat, but there were lots of people around and I figured that would be frowned upon. I wasn't on break, after all. But, come tomorrow. Oh, yes, come tomorrow I will begin fulfilling my purpose for getting this job in the first place. I can't wait.
PS - I am excited for beard nets.
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