The Butt Crack Fee

Over the past six months, I have become acquainted with many annoying people. Today, one especially annoying customer who frequents our store approached me. He wanted to know "what's the best" that we could do on the price--translation--"I think this costs too much but I'm not going to offer you the price I would like to purchase it for because I am afraid I will say something higher than what you are willing to sell it for, and, thus, cheat myself out of additional money I could use on cigarettes and/or alcohol." Dreading the interaction I would be forced to have with this man, I asked him to show me the item to which he was referring. To my disgust, the man turned around to lead the way and I was assaulted by the sight of his flabby, hairy butt crack.

Now, I don't care if you are a hairy overweight man with poor hygiene (such as this individual) or as smooth and toned as Christina Aguilera. Butt cracks peeking out from sagging or undersized pants are never enjoyable to see. It's squished and pale and always inappropriate. I like a nice booty, but a booty is much different than a smashed butt crack. Personally, I cannot understand how so many people walk around with their butt cracks hanging out. People bend over to pick something up--butt crack! People crouch down to look at something--butt crack! Do they not realize that they are uncovered? Can they not feel a draft--especially when it is in such cold winter weather as we are now having?

I originally had no desire to speak to this man--I try to avoid him when he comes into the store--and I was subjected to a portion of his exposed buttocks. I was not happy and had no desire to help him obtain the discount he wanted.

I have been authorized to give customers discounts on anything in the store, but my authority to do so only extends itself up to ten percent off the original cost. Knowing his man was going to ask for something far lower than the ten percent I could offer him, I insisted that he give me the price he would like. In these situations--when the desired discount is greater than the ten percent I can offer--I am required to take the price the customer would like and then take said price and the item to a manager who will either approve the proffered discount or declare a different one.

The item this man wanted was a 5 disc DVD/CD changer priced at $24.99. He offered $16.00. When I asked a manager if that was acceptable, he responded that we'd only knock $5.00 off. I didn't care. I was glad. I asked my manager if we could even raise the price to $34.99. I could see the confusion on his face upon hearing the new price. Surely, he would ask why it went up, and I would gladly respond that there was a "butt crack fee"--an increase in price for every time I had to see his nasty butt crack.

I wish we could instate this fee. It would be so comforting to be able to yell "Butt crack fee! Add 20% to everything you buy!" and point at the person's exposed fanny. How deliciously humiliating it would be.

I know I'm a horrible person, but I've been pushed too far. Pushed, you could say, until I've cracked.