30 November 2011

(#14) The "Dead Bodies" I Should've

While I love my graduate program and the classes I am currently taking, I do not enjoy the fact that these classes are night classes. I would much rather be having fun at night rather than sitting in a classroom and trying to ward off sleepiness.

At any rate, my night classes are 3 hours and 45 minutes long, in the middle of which we have a 15-20 minute break.

Tonight, as I left the classroom at the break, I overheard a conversation.

Girl #1 - "What are you guys up to?"
Girl #2 - "Oh, not much. We're just going to go look at some dead bodies."

I turned to my classmates, who were also fleeing the classroom to take advantage of our precious break, and gave them an incredulous, jealous look.

I should've . . . fallen to my knees, grabbed onto the girls' legs, began sobbing, and begged "Take me with you! Take me with you!"

28 November 2011

(#13) The "Sour Smasher" I Should've

In an attempt to avoid walking all the way to the grocery store (about 8 minutes each way), I simply crossed the street to the 7-Eleven in hopes of finding some sour cream for the delicious Spicy Chicken Soup I was planning to make for dinner. Haza! They did have sour cream! And even though I had to pay $2.99 for it, I was happy to have avoided the longer walk.

Only, when I got home, I noticed something on my hand. It was white and sticky. Now, you stop it, pervert. It was only sour cream. When I had made my convenience store purchase, I hadn't noticed that the sour cream container had been broken open just under the lid. Wanting to avoid food poisoning, I took the sour cream back to the 7-Eleven, fully expecting a smooth swap.

Boy, was I a fool! The clerk accused me of dropping the container, thus breaking it myself, and lying about it! He insisted that there was no way the break could have been missed when they rang up the sour cream and refused to switch it for me. I tried to tell him that I wouldn't waste my time and lie about it if it had been my fault, but that I wanted it to be switched since some employee had dropped it and then put it back on the shelf. I tried to reason with the man, but he would not even look at me.

I should've . . . squeezed the sour cream out of the broken container onto the counter and said something like "There. Now I broke the container."

Instead, I left.

I may want to buy a Slurpee from there at some point.

26 November 2011

(#12) The "Deal Schmeal" I Should've

I am a very thrifty person who is a sucker for deals. So, when Black Friday rolls around, I always find myself shivering in the cold late on Thanksgiving night as I await the midnight, 4:00 am, or 6:00 am store openings which promise UNBELIEVABLE DEALS!

This being my first Black Friday in the Boston area, I assumed/hoped that it would be outrageous--grandmothers cursing, people punching the aforementioned cursing grandmothers in their faces, children pickpockets, random barnyard animals roaming about, helicopter crashes, police in riot gear. Sadly, my expectations were not fulfilled. For the most part, the area where I was shopping was pretty dead, in comparison to normal shopping days, let alone the Black Fridays I've braved and conquered. Why was Boston's Black Friday so pathetic, you may ask? I'll tell you. Because most of the deals sucked.

There were, in fact, very few deals which I found impressive. And, unfortunately, most of the good deals were things I did not want, need for myself, or need to buy for anyone else. I became somewhat frustrated by this due to the fact that I had stayed up overnight and had stood in the cold for hours.

I should've . . . started grabbing up the "deal" items which weren't really deals and shook them angrily in the air, screaming "This is not a deal! What is this crap?!" and then threw the items on the ground and spit on them. After doing this to several "deal" items, I should have stormed out of the store while glaring and pointing at random employees, shouting "You! It's all your fault! Stop wasting my time!" 

or I should've . . . taken a cart full of normally priced or "deal" items up to the register and then let them ring everything up, at which point I would act confused at the astronomical total and begin to review the prices while showing my utter disgust and declaring "What is wrong here? This is all so expensive! Is today Black Friday? I just don't understand! Why is everything to expensive?!" I would then try to haggle down the prices to what I believe were appropriate for Black Friday until I was escorted off the property.

or I should've . . . kept approaching random employees and saying "I'm sorry, but where are the deals? I don't see any here. I came for deals, but there doesn't seem to be any. Why would you lie like that? Why? Why? I'm so cold from standing outside all night. All night. I'm ever so cold. And there are no deals? Why would you lie to me like that? Why? Do you hate me? Why do you hate me?"

22 November 2011

(#11) The "Bus Ambush" I Should've

I have a desk in my room which faces the triple window that overlooks our little balcony and the busy street on which we live. I like to leave the blinds open, day and night, especially night, so I can see the cars and people either driving or walking by.

The other day, I was sitting at my desk, doing some homework, when a school bus stopped on the street in front of my apartment (I live next to a stoplight). I was confused because the bus was filled with elementary school aged children, yet it was only 2:00 pm. Why were they out of school so early? I don't know. What should I have done about it?

I should've . . . ran to my fridge, grabbed my carton of eggs, and then crouched on the balcony and egged the bus, hopefully getting one or two in through an open window and hitting a kid. That would teach them to get out of school early.

13 November 2011

(#10) The "Snip" I Should've

Every Tuesday and Wednesday night after class, I walk through a specific T station to hop onto a train and head home. In this T-station is a very thin man whose face is void of all emotion. He sits on a bench with a one-stringed instrument that seems to have been made out of fishing wire and a miniature croquet mallet. And with a little violin-like bow, he pulls the strangest melodies out of this odd musical  device, setting a tissue box out in front of him as a donation receptical.

The gentler side of me wants to drop some change into this tiny, expressionless man's little tissue box. But what I really want to do is carry a pair of scissors in my pocket and then snip the string on his instrument as I'm walking past.

12 November 2011

(#9) The "Extra, Extra" I Should've

I had to run some errands last night. I needed to 1) Go to CVS and get some cold medicine, and 2) Go to the bookstore to retrieve my forgotten umbrella. I first went to CVS. As I left, a man selling newspapers just outside of the door tried to get to me buy one. I told him "I'm sorry" and kept walking.

After getting my umbrella from the bookstore, I had to walk past the CVS. The man was still trying to sell his papers and was still having difficulties doing so. I watched a woman totally blow him off. Frustrated, he began to mutter "Why won't people buy a freaking paper?"

I kept walking, but I should've . . . stopped to show him how to successfully sell a newspaper, holding the paper high over my head and screaming "Extra, extra!" while making up outrageous headlines such as "Obama Reveals His Third Nipple!" or "Al-Qaeda Unleases Spaghetti Monster Upon the World!" or "Hoverboards are No Longer a Thing of the Future! Order Your Hoverboard Today!"

09 November 2011

(#8) The "Nerd Herpes" I Should've

Just a few moments ago, I was walking down the sidewalk in downtown Boston. A man came out of a building. He was a tall, skinny man, and he began walking ahead of me. He was wearing a tight blue sweater with (REEE REEE REEE) plaid elbow patches. I hate sweaters. I hate elbow patches. Combining the two and then forcing me to look at this hideous combination is like some kind of a sick joke.

I Should've . . . ran up to the man and screamed "Oh, my gosh! There's something on you! There's something on you!" I should've then ripped off each elbow patch, thrown them to the ground, and began stomping on them in a very dramatic, jumpy way. Afterwards, I should've sighed and said "Whew. That was close. You could've gotten nerd herpes."

08 November 2011

(#7) The "Not Begging" I Should've

Today, I saw a man sitting down and leaning against the wall of a building. He was smoking and had a lidded coffee cup sitting next to him.

I Should've . . . set some change on top of his coffee cup lid as if he was begging, even though he clearly was not, patted him on the head, and said "Cheer up, buddy. Times will get better" and then walked away.

05 November 2011

(#6) The "Balloon Jerks" I Should've

Last night, I was waiting at a bus stop. It was late, closing in on midnight, so there was goodly number of people walking around. Across the road, a group of balloons was tied to the pole. I have no idea why they were there.

A group of five men walked by, saw the balloons, began to break the strings tying the balloons to the pole, and released the multi-colored helium-filled sacks of plastic into the night air.

I Should've . . . ran over to them just as the last balloons floated away, crying, and waving my arms and stomping my feet and jumping around like an angry toddler, screaming "Those are my balloons! Those are my balloons! Why did you do that?!"

02 November 2011

(#5) The "Donut Crusher" I Should've . . .

You may not be able to tell by just looking at me, but I go to the gym three times a week to lift weights. I am, in fact, so eco-friendly and health conscious that I even bike there and back (this is in no way explained by the fact that I do not currently own a car).

On my way to and from the gym, I cut through the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts. I know you're not suppose to do that, but it saves me a whole three seconds . . . some of the time. There are times when I get held up in that oh, so busy parking lot. I often find myself having to slow down or even stop because cars are backing out of spots or are pulling into the lot and almost hitting me or because people are oblivious to the fact that they have just stepped out and began walking in front of me. It's like they're zombies and all they can think about is their precious coffee and donuts. It frustrates me.

Rather than being outwardly nice by not doing anything about this, I should . . . swoop around the annoying people who are walking to their cars, grab the coffee of one, throw it into the open door of someone else's vehicle, and then nab the donut of another person (preferably just as they are about to take their first bite), crush it in my hands, let the pieces fall to the filthy concrete, and just keep biking.

I would love to do this every morning.