Yes. I bought Snooki's book. I have only seen about two minutes of one Jersey Shore episode, but I've heard plenty stories about the idiots that star in it. I was a little worried that I'd lose a few IQ points from just touching Snooki's book, but it was a risk I was willing to take.
After doing a little research, I was disappointed to learn that Snooki didn't actually write it. She "collaborated" with a writer--which must be code for "I spoke to a ghostwriter about five times and contributed my skankiest personal experiences to be incorporated into the book". What a shame. I was hoping this would be beyond-belief-stupid. But even without Snooki writing the book, it's still pretty bad.
I didn't actually read the entire novel, but I did scan through it and will now share a few of the gems that I found.
"His chest muscles strained the fabric of his black tank top. It fit across a tummy that was hard and flat enough to cut salami on . . . He stared as if he could see through her dress, right down to her zebra-print bra and thong set underneath."
Reaction : Apparently, she doesn't know what "chest muscles" are called and is forced to use what feels like a childish description. And what is up with the whole "tummy" sentence? First off, "tummy"? Is he a toddler? Secondly--why is it specifically salami? Why not tomatoes or fresh eel? Does the salami coat the skin of his stomach so the knife won't cut into him when it gets all the way through the salami? Is she cutting the salami while he is standing up? Is it acceptable to cut salami on a man's "tummy" in public? Are there YouTube videos of this?
"Some of the skin was pale, and some burnt. He must have laid out limp, and now, when he got hard, the stretching caused red and white stripes. Gia couldn't help herself. She started laughing. 'It looks like a perverted candy cane. But thicker. Much thicker.' -- 'I was thinking barbershop pole' -- 'Dr. Seuss hat.' "
Reaction : Does getting sunburned down there really create a striped pattern? . . . . I might need to try this . . .
"Yeah, it was scary to stand next to a shark with, like, thousands of rows of needle-sharp teeth. But at that moment, it was just a helpless vulnerable creature that probably felt scared and lonely. Gia knew in her heart that the shark would not harm her. -- Just to be sure, she said, 'Don't eat me, Bitch.' -- The shark rolled to look at her. Gia could see her eyes. They were black, flat, and sad, too."
Reaction : First reaction -- The grammar, irrational and unwarranted switch in narrative style, exaggerations, and metaphors almost killed me. I feel ill. Second Reaction -- You can read a shark's emotions in their "black, flat" eyes? Third Reaction -- Escaping a shark attack is as easy as calling it a bitch? Why isn't that posted on a sign at beaches worldwide?
Chapter Thirteen : Penises Look Bigger Underwater
"Frank couldn't help staring at how the wet T-shirt clung to her chest. He could see everything. -- She must have been cold. -- His dick sprang to life in his jeans."
Reaction : There is a penis in this chapter--shocker!--but it's not underwater. The only character that was underwater was Gia, which is pretty much Snooki. Does Snooki have a penis? And does it look bigger underwater? Sounds like we need Dan Brown to write novel about this!
". . . Gia wriggled on his groin like a professional lap dancer. She knew this for a fact. She'd taken a stripper dance class and got a certificate at the end."
Reaction : Classy.
"Meanwhile, like ten guys grabbed her boobies. If she weren't about to paint the room brown, she would've loved it. A few grabbed at her butt, too. 'Not the ass!' A too tight squeeze and she might explode."
Reaction : This girl is on the verge of having diarrhea in public and she decides to crowd surf to get to the bathroom? What a genius! And what kind of woman would love to have "like ten guys" grabbing her breasts at the exact same time? And how large are these breasts that so many men can grab at them? Maybe they weren't trying to grab them, but push them away so they wouldn't be smothered!
This book disgusts me, mostly because the idiotic, self-centered, egotistic, slutty main character was created in the mirror image of an actual person. On the bright side, the book does not take itself seriously. It's a cheap gimmick, it knows that, it oozes that, and it's not ashamed of it in the slightest. If anything, it provided me, and hopefully you, with some entertainment. It is smut for smut's sake, and we might as well scoff.
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