(#21) The "iPad Injustice" I Should've

While traveling to spend Christmas with some of my family, I found myself waiting for a connecting flight in an airport. Next to me sat two little girls, each with an iPad. One was older, maybe 8 or 9, but the other must have been only 4 or 5.

The younger sister began drumming on the iPad with her hands, slamming her palms against the screen repeatedly and with vigor as if beating out a jungle rhythm was the only thing keeping her alive at that moment. After my heart nearly stopped at this sight, the girl then closed one of those floppy covers over the screen and began licking it.

I should've . . . grabbed the iPad away from the little girl and claimed it as my own, screaming "Never! Never! Never hit  or lick an iPad! What is wrong with you?" I should've then turned to the girl's mother, wagged my finger in her face, and said "You just sit there and allow this to happen? You disgust me." I then should've begun happily playing with my newly acquired iPad, periodically yelling at the mother to make her child stop sobbing because it was throwing off my accuracy in Angry Birds.

(#20) The "Page Turner" I Should've

If you were to see me on the bus or T, you would most likely catch me reading a book. It's one thing I enjoy about public transit, that I can read while traveling. Reading on a bus or train, however, can be a tricky thing--when the bus or train is so full that there is only standing room, for instance.

To steady yourself, you have to hold onto a bar and hold the book in your other hand. This presents a problem when it comes time to turn the page. You have to let go of the bar to turn the page and hope that the driver doesn't do anything sudden and send you flying.

I usually just widen my stance and quickly turn the page. I did this exact thing yesterday without falling over. But, from now one, rather than turning the pages on my own . . .

I should . . . ask the person next to me to turn the page for me and then chastize them for turning the page too roughly (even if they hadn't).

(#19) The "Security Butt Slap" I Should've

The Boston Logan Airport may be the best airport in the world. It has free Wifi with desks that have power outlets and fairly comfortable swivel chairs. What? Yeah. That's right. I travel in style.

Currently, I am waiting for my flight (at said desk, using said free Wifi, and sitting in said swivel chair), but the tale I have to tell today is of going through airport security.

I suck at airport security. I accidentally leave things in my pockets, forget liquids in my carry-ons, and I'm bald so I look like a Neo-Nazi. It's great. WHITE POWER! Just kidding.

Anyway, while going through security, my backpack got caught up. I had a wrapped Christmas gift in it, and the thorough security people deemed it worthy of further inspection.

I was somewhat disappointed because they only rescanned the package. I was hoping they would have treated me suspiciously and then made me step into one of those body scanning machines. I didn't even go so much as patted down.

I should've . . . asked--no, begged--them to do the body scan on me. Then, when they relented, because of my suspicious behavior, I would have proudly stepped into the scanning machine and gyrated my hips while the machine worked its X-ray magic. Finally, I would have slapped my butt and blown the security officers a kiss while winking dramatically and asking "Like what you see?"

There is the risk that I would have been arrested and become special Christmas friends with a large, tattooed man named Spike or Butch, but those are the types of risks I'm willing to take in these imaginary scenarios.

(#18) The "Die, Mother F-----s" I Should've

There are many people in the Boston area that ask for change.

Most people, including myself (I am ashamed to admit it, but I just don't carry cash), simply ignore these destitute individuals. For the most part, the beggars are very nice about being turned down by wishing everyone a good night or "God bless you." Tonight, however, I came across a man who did the exact opposite.

I was riding the T on my way home. A man was already sitting down and was holding a disposable cup. As soon as the doors shut and the train started moving, he loudly asked if anyone could spare a dollar or even some change.

No one gave him anything.

The man began to groan. Loudly. Streching the sound into one long, long moan of frustration.

Then, as the T stopped at the next station, he got up and proclaimed "Die, Mother F-----s! Just die! Die, Mother F-----s! Die!" in a sing-songy sort of way before jumping off the train. He continued to sing these horrible profanities as he left the station.

I should've . . . jumped to my feet and sang back to the man -- "And how, sir, should we die? A starving tiger or electrocution would be nice, but I prefer dysentery!" Of course, this would have been sung in a falsetto.

(#17) The "Tappa Tappa" I Should've

Tonight, while I was riding the T home, there was a woman that caught my attention.

It wasn't because she was extremely beautiful or disfigured. It wasn't because she smelt funny. It wasn't because she was carrying three 20-pound burlap sacks of rice.

It was because she was tap dancing.

She had a straight face and kept tapping her feet back and forth and sliding them around as if she was preparing for some spectacular recital.

I should've . . . gotten up from my seat and yelled "No! You're doing it all wrong! It's one--tappa tappa--slide--shuffle--tappa tappa! Not one--two--shuffle--shuffle--tappa tappa--slide! Straighten that back! You look like Quasimodo! And where are your jazz hands?!" while wildly demonstrating the correct tap movements (with accompanying jazz hands) and becoming increasingly frustrated when she couldn't keep up with the lesson.

(#16) The "He's Lying!" I should've

Last night, I got on the number 66 bus. There was a fellow passenger, a man, who was on his phone. He was very defensively telling the person on the other end that he was on the number 1 bus and that he had been stuck in Central Square for over an hour. I don't know who he was talking to or why he was lying, but he was not speaking a single word of truth.
I should've . . . grabbed the phone from the lying man and screamed into the phone that "He's lying! He's on the number 1 bus! He didn't even come from Central Square, and if he's on this bus then there's no way he could've been there any time recently! He's lying to you! Don't trust him! He could've been killing someone!" After this outburst, I should've then handed the phone back to the man, smiled, and told him to have a nice evening.

(#15) The "Common Chivalrous Acts" I Should've

Tonight, I went to a Winter Gala (gala = snobby word for party) which my church hosted. It was a formal event, so everyone was dressed well, and many of the people in attendance came as couples.

Upon leaving the gala, my two friends and me got into a car and were about to leave when a couple approached their vehicle not far from ours. I knew the girl personally, had even complimented her on her dress (such a gentleman, I am).

I watched to see if her date, which was not her boyfriend or anyone she had been seeing regularly, would open her car door for her. He did not. He went straight to the driver's side. I mean, come on. You just came from a gala and you're dressed to the nines. And I know you're only getting into a Corolla, but still.

I should've . . . rolled down my window and yelled, "What are you thinking?! Open the freaking car door for your date! Jeeze! Get a clue, buddy!" then I should've pointed to the girl and yelled "Don't even so much as kiss that loser! He's probably really bad at it, anyway! Just like how bad he is at common chivalrous acts such as opening a car door for a lady!" and continued yelling other similar things until the friend who was driving me home sped away in order to avoid further embarrassment.