5 Movies You Should Know Exist

I come across a lot of movies each and every day at the pawn shop. We are constantly refilling the racks of DVDs we have, especially during this past week because they are on sale--10 DVDs for $15. Since the commencement of my pawn shop career, I have stocked hundreds, possibly thousands, of DVDs, during which time I have come across five about which I want everyone to know . . . so they can make fun of them along with me.

1) Backwoods



SYNOPSIS: When the young manager of a videogame company takes his employees to a North Carolina nature park for a corporate retreat and paintball tournament, the gang ignores a series of ominous signs: a gas-station poster informing of a camping couple's recent disappearance, and a vague feeling of being watched within the woods. Perhaps the young executives should have paid closer attention because, not long after becoming embroiled in the fun and games, they make the horrifying discovery that some decidedly rough locals want to play, too. Haylie Duff (NIGHTMARE) and Ryan Merriman (THE RING TWO, FINAL DESTINATION 3) star in this maniacal horror-thriller.

MY REACTION: Haylie Duff? Hilary Duff's sister? In a low-budget horror film? She must be like "the bad sister," the one who is in flims that are slathered with questionable co-ed weekend fun and excessive gore rather than sickenly sweet uplifting morals for pre-teen girls. I hope Haylie ruins family get-togethers by being so mean to Hilary that she runs off crying. I like it.

2) Zoro

SYNOPSIS: A newly arrived governor finds his province under the control of the corrupt Colonel Huerta. To avoid assassination by Huerta, he pretends to be weak and indecisive so Huerta will believe he poses no threat. But secretly he masquerades as Zorro, and joins the monk Francisco and the beautiful aristocrat Hortensia in their fight for justice against Huerta and his soldiers.

MY REACTION: Zorro films are all pretty much the same, sword play, love interest, desert setting. It's very formulaic, which is fine because I don't watch them anyway. The part I love is the woman's face on the cover. She looks like she's burping for the first time in her life and she has no clue what is going on. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find a picture of the exact cover that was in the pawn shop. The copy I found also had a review on the front. The review consisted of nothing more than three stars. I may be wrong, but my understand is that three stars means that the film was mediocre at best. Is that really the best review they could find to put on this movie's cover? The only reason they probably got those three stars was because of the confused burping lady in the picture. How depressing.

3) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

SYNOPSIS: The children of Mars are depressed and no one seems to know why. When Martian leaders go to see their most ancient wise man, he tells them that the children of Mars need the joy of Christmas... and Santa Claus! When Martians invade Earth to find this mysterious Kris Kringle, they are confused when they discover a Santa on every street corner. So the Martians kidnap two earth kids to help them find the real Santa. The kids take them to the North Pole. There they find Santa's workshop with his elves hard at work making toys. The Martians then invite Santa and the two Earth kids back to Mars with them. Santa then sets up a robot mechanized workshop to make toys for all the Martians. They all grow to love Santa, but somehow Santa and the children have to get back home. Christmas Day on Earth is coming just around the corner!

MY REACTION: I actually bought this movie because it sounded hilarious. I thought Santa was going to rip open his red and white-trimmed suit to reveal his jiggly man-tits and break some martians in half with his bare hands. Okay. I didn't think that. But I can tell you I wasn't expecting the movie to be as bad as it was. It was painful. In fact, Santa didn't do any butt-kicking. He just made bad jokes that really weren't jokes at all and then laughed at inappropriate times. He also talked very slowly, almost as if he had a learning disability. Furthermore, there was a martian with an enormous mustach whose lines could often be misinterpreted as indications of pedophilia. After conducting a little research, I found out that this film is consistently rated as one of the worst ever made. Poor Santa.

4) Thunderpants

SYNOPSIS: The family-oriented comedy Thunderpants, directed by Peter Hewitt, concerns an unfortunate ten-year-old who suffers from nearly incessant intestinal gas issues. Patrick Smash (Bruce Cook) is shunned by much of his family and his classmates because of the unpleasant odors that are forever emanating from him. Only his nerdy friend Alan A. Allen (Rupert Grint), who has no sense of smell, will help Patrick in his goal to become an astronaut. Eventually, Patrick becomes involved with representatives of the United States space program, as well as an opera singer (Simon Callow) who needs Patrick to "play" an exact note at a perfect moment. Ned Beatty and Stephen Fry round out the cast of this quirky comedy.

MY REACTION: Is that Ron? Oh, look. It looks like that boy is farting like no boy has ever farted before. I see what they're doing. They're equating his farts to a spacecraft blasting off. Sweet metaphor. Oh, wait. It's not a metaphor. That's what the movie's about. -- This movie is sitting in the break area and I plan to buy it. Anything that can combine excessive flatulance, NASA, and actors from the Harry Potter film franchise in such a creative way has won my heart.

5) The Erotic Witch Project

SYNOPSIS/REVIEW: This silly soft-core spoof follows the adventures of three college girls who take a couple of video cameras into the woods to find the legendary erotic witch. After finding sex toys and anatomically correct stick figures mysteriously left outside their tents, their clothes are stolen (along with the map) and they wander naked through the woods, haunted by spooky sounds but too busy making out to worry about it. "I'm so horny, and I'm so scared at the same time," confesses one girl in a parody of Heather's famous direct confession in the original. Just for fun there's also a completely unexplained guy in a bad gorilla suit running around with a blow-up doll who picks up the camera when the girls are too busy getting it on to tape themselves.

MY REACTION: This movie was actually on VHS and somehow wound up behind one of the counters. I saw it and thought, "That can't be porn. We don't sell porn." Upon closer examination of the case, I concluded that it was most definitely porn, just of the soft-core variety. There were pictures of naked women all over the back and all the case mentioned was lesbian sex. I left the movie behind the counter all that day, drawing the attention of my co-workers to it when the occasion permitted so we could have a good laugh. One of the pawnbrokers rememered buying that tape off of someone, but he just thought it was a spoof and not an actual sex video. For shame. The tape ended up in the trash at the end of the day. TANGENT -- Upon looking for this picture, I discovered that there are, in fact, three additional sequels. There is one busy erotic witch out there. Beware, my friends. Beware.