Spiral Bubble Turds

The cleaning process for each machine has several steps. One of the later steps requires spraying the entire machine and work area with a foaming cleanser, but in order to get to that point, we have to fill the machine that sprays this cleanser (which machine is appropriately named The Foamer).

Filling The Foamer is fairly simple. It's a big canister with wheels, about twice as fat and slightly taller than a beer keg, and all you have to do is first put in the cleanser and then the water through a hole in the top of it. Since we fill it all the way to the top, this takes quite some time. You just have to stand there and wait and wait and wait until water starts overflowing out of the hole. But long before it gets to that point, The Foamer starts crapping bubbles.

It doesn't really crap bubbles, I suppose, but that's how I like to think of it. As you could imagine, filling The Foamer creates a lot of bubbles on the surface of the water we are putting into it. And as the water level rises inside of The Foamer, the bubbles also rise until they start pushing their way out in this long spiral tube that looks unmistakably like a massive bubble turd. At first, it pushes and goes straight up, but then gravity gets the best of the towering bubble turd and it tilts over. At that point, the bubble turd starts to loop out in long, lazy spirals that ooze down the side of The Foamer, much like how a long actual human turd will wrap around itself inside of the toilet (or on the floor . . . or car hood . . . or your enemy's pizza. Whatever. I'm not judging, and I'm also not apologizing for forcing such crude images into your mind if they hadn't been in there already).

Today, I filled The Foamer twice and was able to be mesmerized by it's massive bubble turd on two separate occassions. All I could think was "Dang. That's really long. Can you imagine how painful that would be if a human turd was that long? And thick? And what would it mean if someone crapped bubbles like that? That they have a clean colon?" No. It would probably mean that they would be dying very soon, but what a way to go.

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Daily Ice-Cream Intake : 1/4th gallon of cookies and cream ice-cream, 1 root beer float pop, 2 orange sherbert push-ups, 3 ice-cream candy bars

(see also The Summer of Free Ice-Cream (A Running Tally)

Compulsive Eating and Foam Mishaps

Today was my first day inside of the ice-cream factory. Since not much is expected of brand new employees, it was a pretty slack day. I was given the tour (but don't ask me where anything is because all I remember is a big tangle of pipes and machines), given additional training, supplied with safety equipment, shown the schedule, given a locker, and shown how to do a handful of simple tasks. I don't feel like I learned a whole lot, but what I can tell you from today is that my job is going to be a wet and sweaty one.

Being a part of the sanitation department, my job is to dissemble and clean the various machines (or "lines", as we call them) so that they meet and exceed standards of cleanliness set by OSHA and the company. In order to do this, I will have to use a number of chemicals and hoses which spray scalding water. But in order to do that, I have to wear the right equipment to protect myself from the chemicals and heat. I was given plastic overalls, a hair and beard net, a hard hat, steel-toe boots, and heavy plastic gloves which reach almost to my elbows. Oh, but I mustn't forget to mention the safety glasses or lime green ear plugs I will also be wearing. It's quite the get up, and is very effective in keeping me from coming in contact with the liquids and foams which could harm me, but where it exceeds it providing a sufficient protection, it fails in being breathable. Sanitation workers are constantly scrubbing and moving about while working in clouds of steam. You can imagine how comfortable doing this will be while being suited in so much plastic.

But I didn't think the discomfort was all that terrible (at least from what I experienced today. My first exposure was probably very mild since I wasn't on the floor for a very long time). I'm not even deterred by the repetitious nature of the job, of cleaning the same thing in the same way each and every day. I've always taken a liking to cleaning things. I also find a certain degree of repetition in my work to be comforting. It won't be the most exciting job, but that's not why I applied and stuck out the grueling two-day orientation (see Choking Velociraptors, Beard Nets, and Phantom Limb -- Oh, My!). The reason I am doing any of this is for the free ice-cream.

I kind of feel like a horrible person. There were many reasons for me to get this job. 1) The wages were much higher than at my previous job. 2) I would be able to live with my brother for free and save several hundred dollars in rent. 3) It would be a much needed change of pace from the pawn shop. 4) I would be able to live closer to some of my family and spend time with them. As you can see, any of these would have been a good enough reason to move and get this job--let alone all of them! But it was the free ice-cream that got me! Should I have placed proximity to family higher on my priority list than free ice-cream? Of course, I should have! But I refuse to lie. I did it for the ice-cream and the ice-cream alone. I know it and I know that God knows it and I cannot deny it. I'm a sick, sick man, but I regret nothing!

That said, I proudly report that today, on my first day on the job, I ate 11 ice-cream treats and about 1/8th of a gallon of rocky road ice-cream. It was so amazing! I just couldn't stop eating! One manager kept laughing at me and I'm sure all of the people in the break room saw my compulsive eating and knew that I was new. But I don't care! The older employees can bring their Tupperware containers filled with homemade left overs! They can microwave their Ramen noodles! They can bring in their take-out! As for me, I will eat ice-cream! Let them scowl, let them sneer, even let them shun me and spread rumors! Why would I care? I have all the free ice-cream I can stand! That said, don't forget to keep checking my running tally of the free ice-cream I've eaten (see The Summer of Free Ice-Cream (A Running Tally)).

Moving beyond the ice-cream, I will relate one work-related story. Today, after we had cleaned a certain machine, I was given a hose and told to sanitize the floor by covering it with this certain foam sanitizer. While doing so, I came to an area where a man who was not part of the sanitation crew was working on something else. As he was not wearing the same water-proof overalls as mine, I wanted to turn off the hose and ask him if he wanted to move so I could spray that portion of the floor where he currently was and not get the sanitizer splashing up on his pants. But while trying to turn off the hose, my inexperience caused me to fumble, which caused the hose to tilt in my hands, and which ultimately caused me to spray the man's face with foam! It wasn't overly comic. I didn't give him a foam beard or anything, but he did receive a good splattering on one entire side of his face. He didn't seem too upset about it, but everyone else was laughing like it was the funniest thing they'd seen in years. All I could do was apologize and then avoid the poor man.

Choking Velociraptors, Beard Nets, and Phantom Limb -- Oh, My!

I have spent the last two days in orientation, and what a grueling experience that has been. I feel like I shouldn't complain because I was being paid $11/hour to sit around and be bored--I mean--to learn! To learn! I was being paid a lot to absorb all kinds of pertinent information that will be imperative to my summer ice-cream factory employment . . . yeah. Let's go with that.

Anyway, I have decided to just give you the orientation highlights. I hope you're ready.

Size and Location : I was told this was a large orientation group. It was so large, in fact, that we couldn't meet in the corporate center where they normally hold orientations. There were about 70 of us and we had to meet  in the town's convention center, which was very convenient for me since I currently live right next door to it. Over lunches, I was able to walk for less than two minutes and be relaxing at home. It was pretty awesome.

Speakers : We had several corporate employees speak to us about the things you'd expect at an orientation: harassment, dress conduct, scheduling, safety (there was actually four hours of safety training and I wanted to kill myself. I never realized ice-cream was so dangerous. It kind of makes me feel like an action hero--Indiana Jones, to be exact. I just need to buy a whip), but one lady who spoke about the boring ins and outs of daily life was very intense. When she was speaking about our ID badges, she paced back and forth with her hands clasped behind her back and spoke with the intensity and mannerisms of a military sargeant. Here is my favorite quote, "If you lose your name badge one time, we will replace it for free. If you lose it after that, it's $25 a pop. Ah! Now I have everyone's attention!" I'm telling you. This woman was borderline psychotic.

Urinal Flushing : The convention center where the orientation took place wasn't in the best shape. It wasn't falling apart by any means, but the place could have used a pretty hefty face lift. The first time I went to the bathroom, I walked in and stopped mid-stride because it looked like I'd gone into the women's restroom. Everything was in stalls, even the urinals. Yeah. Weird. But that wasn't the strangest part about the urinals. After I had relieved my bladder, I flushed as usual, but I wasn't sent off with the usual gargling water noise most urinals make. It sounded more like a choking velociraptor. What would such a vicious dinosaur choke on? A femur? Someone's oversized skull? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that the noise was made and it was pretty awesome.

Training Videos : There's nothing like training videos. And there's nothing like training videos that start off with the host saying "Oh, hi there!" as if they have been caught completely off guard. But there's really nothing like having to sit through several videos with such beginnings in a single day. Those especially annoying segments aside, there was one other video which I must mention. It was about safety and it was very melodramatic. The video was tied together by a poem which stated "I could have saved a life that day, but I chose to look the other way." The climax depicted one employee ignoring another employee's unsafe work habits. The unsafe employee ended up getting a face full of steam and falling off a ladder. The co-worker who "looked the other way" ran towards his fallen co-worker while screaming his name. The final scream, however, was what really got me. It was in that ridiculous slow-mo, monster voice that should never be used if you are trying to be taken seriously. I laughed out loud at this point even though the screen was fixed on a close-up of the dead employee's bloodied, dead face.

Phantom Limb : A large portion of the first day's orientation was devoted to convincing the new employees that our new employer was in the business of spreading happiness through producing the safest, most delicious ice-cream they can produce. There were various slides which showed happy people enjoying ice-cream--one of which being a young boy . . . WITH ONLY ONE ARM! I'm not saying that people without all of their limbs can't enjoy delicious ice-cream. No! I would never say or imply such a cruel thing! But I must not forget to mention was how the one-armed boy was screaming. I realize his scream was meant to convey his excitement for the ice-cream cone treat he held in his one and only hand, but I thought it looked more like he was experiencing a sharp bout of phantom limb and he just couldn't endure the pain silently. That poor child.

Mind Control : At the end of the second day of orientation, we had a food quality specialist speak to us . . . and speak to us . . . and speak to us . . . I realize that he didn't take any longer than the four hour safety training we had that same morning, but it was getting close to the end of the overall orientation and I was just tired of listening. At one point, the quality specialist kept showing us various pieces of paperwork and pointing out facts none of us were going to remember until we actually had to deal with said paperwork. I couldn't help but glare at the man and viciously think "MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON!" and then he did! By golly, it worked! I'm going to have to try that again sometime in the near future.

Public Announcements : Since we met in a building that is meant to be utilized for various community purposes, there was a bulletin board in the hallway just outside of the room where we met for orientation. One such announcement on this bulletin board sported a bold heading that declared "COMMERCIAL MANURE CERTIFICATION". The announcement said a whole slew of things under the title, but I didn't really understand anything it said. I just really appreciated the title.

At the end of the second day of orientation, we were shown the various ice-cream plants where we would be working. While there, we were shown the break room. The magical break room where we will be allowed to eat all the free ice-cream that we can manage to stuff ourselves with. I was so close to the free ice-cream that it hurt. I wanted to just sit down and eat and eat and eat, but there were lots of people around and I figured that would be frowned upon. I wasn't on break, after all. But, come tomorrow. Oh, yes, come tomorrow I will begin fulfilling my purpose for getting this job in the first place. I can't wait.

PS - I am excited for beard nets.